“Propelled by strong winds from the north, the fires have created a plume of smoke from Michigan to Massachusetts that’s visible as far south as Washington, D.C.” – National Post, Canada, July 8, 2002
Canada Also Discloses It Has Invaded U.S. 113 Times, But No One Has Noticed
Ottawa (SatireWire.com) – Embarrassed Canadian generals today conceded an overzealous officer defied orders and started fires in Quebec to shroud the eastern seaboard in smoke before Canada had finished preparing its full-scale invasion of the United States.
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| Canadian smokescreen blinds eastern U.S. (Source: NOAA) |
The failure has left Americans in shock, and Canadians disappointed. “I had a cute little house all picked out in the Poconos,” said a crestfallen Lt. Gen. Ray Henault, Canada’s Defence Chief.
The classic war maneuver of blinding the enemy in advance of an attack – the smoke now blankets American skies as far south as Washington, D.C. – is unlikely to work again, said Henault.
“We were supposed to line up on the border, then start the fires,” he said. “It’s not like we can do it again. They’ll know it’s us.”
Several members of Canada’s Parliament were furious, and demanded to know why, despite decades of secret planning, the invasion forces were not ready. In response, Deputy Prime Minister John Manley explained to legislators that the Canadian military was waiting for approval.
“Whenever we engage in a military operation, and certainly one of this magnitude, we look to our U.S. allies for guidance,” said Manley.
“But… but we were going to invade the U.S.,” said Toronto MP Tony Ianno.
“Oh, ah,” said Manley.
With the botched invasion now public, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien scrambled to diffuse anger in Washington. Fortunately, his explanation to President Bush has so far succeeded in deflecting American ire. “He told me the smoke wasn’t from Quebec,” said Bush. “He said it was from al Quebec. Damn, those guys are everywhere.”
Despite the lack of surprise, many Canadians have urged the military to push on, arguing that if they can’t take the U.S. by force, they can at least sneak into Detroit and take back the Stanley Cup. Gen. Henault, however, urged restraint, noting that Canada has only 70,000 people in its armed forces, while the U.S. has 2 million. That revelation raised eyebrows among several MPs who questioned Henault.
“So, if we are short by about 1.9 million soldiers, how, exactly, were we going to pull this invasion off?” asked Ontario MP John Godfrey. “Were we just going to use smoke?”
“And mirrors,” said Henault. “Lots and lots of mirrors.”
“Well, like I said, the plan wasn’t finished,” he added.
Meanwhile, Stan Keyes, MP for Hamilton West, suggested Canadians use the ash cover to hide from Washington until relations return to normal. Godrey, however, argued such an effort was unnecessary. “We’re in Canada,” he said. “Most Americans can’t find us now.”
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