“The frequency of threats from Pyongyang has shown clearly that North Korea is simply running out of places and things to threaten.” – The Wall Street Journal
MEETING OF THE NORTH KOREAN THREAT AND PROVOCATION COMMITTEE
Choe Yong Rim: Invincible One, we regret to report that we have run out of threats!
Glorious Leader: Impossible. My father left me a stockpile of threats.
Ri Yong Ho: We have exhausted them, Exalted One. We have threatened to blow up Washington, Seoul, and even central Texas.
Jang Song Thaek: We have said we are on the ‘brink of war,’ on the ‘eve of war,’ and in a ‘state of war.’ There is nowhere else to go, Great One.
Kim Jong Gak: Unless…
Glorious Leader: What is it?
Gak: It’s pretty crazy…
Glorious Leader: I like it so far.
Gak: We could just, you know, attack. Go to war.
Glorious Leader: ‘Attack. Go to war.’ I don’t understand.
Gak: I mean start the war. Launch our missiles. Destroy the Americans and their puppets.
Glorious Leader: Ah, no. We’ve already threatened that.
Gak: I know, but now we back up our threats.
Glorious Leader: We threaten to back up our threats. I don’t know. Seems like a lateral move.
Gak: No Excellent One. No more threats. We simply attack.
Glorious Leader: OK, so you wish me to say, “The Great Evil the United States must cease their interference in North Korea or we have attacked?”
Gak: No Infallible One. You say nothing. Only attack.
Glorious Leader: Still not getting it. Where is the threat? Where is the ‘or else?’ Where is the, ‘If you don’t do this, then we do that’ part?
Gak: I am not making myself clear.
Kim Kyong-Hui: Of course not! Only the Divine and All-Knowing Kim Jong-un can make himself clear!
Kim Won Hong: He has the power of invisibility!
Ho: He can vanish with a thought!
Thaek: Where is our dear leader? I do not see him!
Glorious Leader: OK OK, calm down. I’m right here.
Hong: We marvel at your transparency!
Glorious Leader: Yes yes. Now, my new threat. Which is not a threat.
Gak: No your Invincibleness, it is not. We don’t say ‘or else’ because we give them no options. They are out of options. There is nothing they can do to avoid war!
Glorious Leader: Then how exactly will I get what I want?
Gak: By force! By defeating the enemy!
Glorious Leader: Oh. Look, about that. There is no way to win.
Gak: Exactly. We will defeat them in a day!
Glorious Leader: Ah, no. Let me make myself clear…
Ho: He is clear!
Thaek: He is gone again!
Glorious Leader: No no, I mean, let me make you understand. We can’t actually defeat the Americans. That’s why we issue threats. You see?
Gak: But we cannot be defeated. We have you!
Rim: You can lift entire cities!
Chun: You control entire planets!
Hui: You have Dennis Rodman’s autograph!
Glorious Leader: But I don’t have a thousand long-range nuclear missiles, do I?
Hong: They are not ready to explode from your bowels at a moment’s notice?
Glorious Leader: What?
Hong: I thought I read that somewhere.
Gak: Sir, we could just… stop threatening.
Glorious Leader: Threaten to stop threatening. You’ve lost me.
Ho: He is invisible again!
Glorious Leader: Shut up. I mean I don’t get it.
Gak: Dear Leader, instead of a new threat, we go silent. We will say we have entered the period of, um, Pok-Poong-Jeon-Ya — the “calm before the storm.” It will make them nervous.
Thaek: Yes, Americans prefer any noise to silence. How else to explain Piers Morgan?
Glorious Leader: Hmmm… Pok-Poong-Jeon-Ya. It’s a bit sane-ey, but I like it. Make it so. I’m out of here.
Chun: Yes, Dear Leader.
Glorious Leader: No, I said, I’m out of here.
Chun: We heard you Great One.
Glorious Leader: I mean I’m invisible now!
Ho: Of course! Dear Leader has vanished!
Hui: I certainly see him not right there!
Thaek: No one move, lest you bump into him!
Hong: And watch out for his bowels!
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