New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – In a deft legal maneuver, lawyers representing Martha Stewart today
demanded that investigations of the uber domestician be dropped, pointing out that U.S. securities laws only prohibit insider trading committed by humans.
Attorneys underlined several relevant sections of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, including Rule 20a, which states, “Any person who violates any provision of this chapter or the rules or regulations thereunder by purchasing or selling a security while in possession of material, nonpublic information shall be liable.”
“The statute very plainly states that ‘Any person who violates … shall be liable,'” said Stewart attorney Arthur Frang. “Martha Stewart is certainly not just any person. In fact, she is not a person at all, and you would be hard-pressed to find anyone who honestly thinks she is.”
To support his claim, Frang produced several pieces of evidence, including a thermoscan of Stewart’s body showing that her core body temperature is minus 16 degrees Celsius, and a videotape of her June 26 appearance on CBS’ “Early Show.”
“You see right there, where she is asked about selling her ImClone shares, and she responds by saying ‘I want to focus on my salad’?” said Frang. “That is just not human.”
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