DUBLIN, IRELAND (SatireWire.com) — Out of money and time, Ireland yesterday requested a financial bailout, becoming what analysts agreed is the most loveable country ever to go under.
“Most countries that want a bailout are in Eastern Europe or Africa – blech,” said IMF President Dominique Strauss-Kahn. “But the Irish, they’re hilarious! And that accent. I could listen to them talk for hours.”
“Of course right now they’re suffering, which is awful,” Strauss-Kahn continued. “But the general consensus is that the Irish will turn their suffering into a song, so we can’t lose.”
“Honestly, that accent. For hours!” he added.
Critics of the rescue package included Greece, which received a massive bailout last summer and insisted it was just as fun-loving as Ireland. European Commission President Jose Manuel Barrosso, however, pointed out the disparity: “When the Greeks get upset: riot. When the Irish get upset: pub. Why are we even discussing this?”
The IMF, along with the European Commission, have agreed to give Ireland about €90 billion to keep their economy afloat. But the money does not come without strings, Straus-Kahn explained.
“They have to reduce their debt as a percentage of GDP. They have to deleverage their banks. And they have to give us a limerick,” he said.
Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen held an emergency cabinet meeting last night to explain details of the agreement to his coalitions partners, who railed against the austerity measures and said there was ‘no feckin’ way’ they were going to sing Danny Boy.
Cowen this morning took his government’s concerns to the European Commission, who are partners in the bailout.
“With all due respect, Ireland is a vibrant, diverse, and technologically advanced nation,” Cowen told EC ministers. “There’s more to us than St. Patrick’s Day, Guinness, and jokes.”
“Give us a song! Give us a song!” interrupted the EC’s Barroso. “Or else.”
Cowen immediately launched into The Fields of Athenry.
The EU and IMF are expected to release the money within two weeks if by that time the Irish government has offered a debt restructuring plan that begins with the words, ‘Paddy walks into a bar.’”
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