WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – At a landmark hearing on gay rights, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas today peppered attorneys with an hour-long barrage of incisive and often brilliant questions in his mind that left spectators and court officials in his head gasping and applauding.
Thomas, who hasn’t asked a question in open court in seven years, dominated the proceedings, albeit inwardly, during two-days of oral arguments on gay marriage and civil unions. In his mind, as he always does, the justice continually made unassailable arguments that left attorneys and colleagues alike tongue-tied.
“You say that both legally and morally the lower court decision should be upheld, but I say you are mistaken!” Thomas pictured himself roaring at Theodore Olson, the lawyer challenging California’s ban on gay marriage. “Because clearly, as we know from the case of So-and-So versus The Other Thing, your position is unconstitutional!” Thomas added forcefully in his imagination, which also turned “So-and-So versus The Other Thing” into an actual precedent that proved his point beyond a shadow of a doubt.
In response, the Olson that Thomas saw began shaking under the judge’s steely gaze, unlike the Olson everyone else saw, who acted like Thomas wasn’t even in the damn room.
While externally impassive and even diffident, Thomas was brimming with eloquence and loquaciousness internally, a tactic he regularly uses to give others a chance to shine that’s the only reason. At one point he even challenged his nemesis, Justice Sonya Sotomayor, who was no match for what he had to say had he said it.
“Actually, Sonya, isn’t it true that lorem ipsum non compos mentis ex parte palimony?” Thomas quipped inwardly, conceiving it as something legally poignant and biting.
“Good point. I concede,” Sotomayor responded in his mind, after which Thomas saw himself exchanging fist bumps with justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito, who really respect him he’s pretty sure and probably they’re just kidding when they ask him for his ID every day like they don’t know who he is.
At the end of arguments Wednesday, Thomas saw himself leaving the building carried aloft by his bench mates who in his mind once again insisted he take over as Chief Justice.
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