WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In another attempt to slash the debt without alienating voters, Republicans today unveiled a proposal that cuts Social Security 50 percent but declares everyone over age 65 “amazing.”
“Senior citizens are the most incredible people in this country and they deserve the best we can do for them,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY). “That’s why we want to make it official: every U.S. citizen age 65 and older is amazing.
“And will have their benefits cut in half,” he added softly. “Which,” he said, brightening again, “they can deal with because they’re amazing. Am I right?”
In response, Senate Democrats called the GOP plan “patronizing and harsh,” and countered with a proposal to cut Social Security 10 percent and call seniors “really good.” Republicans dismissed the attempt.
“Yet again the Democrats are not willing to go far enough,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI). “We cannot address our fiscal crisis and make the cuts necessary to secure our future without dealing with the fact that seniors are awesome.
“Which they’ll have to be because we’re also cutting Medicaid,” he added to himself.
The GOP plan, which would save $6 trillion over 10 years, raises the retirement age, instigates means-testing for recipients, and bestows upon seniors the abbreviated honorific “Amzg.”, for example, Mrs. Jane Smith, RN, CSW, Amzg.
Senior advocates, however, called the plan a “shameless ploy” and met late in the day with Senate and House leaders to express their outrage.
“Cutting Social Security is not a solution and seniors cannot afford or support this proposal,” AARP President Lee Hammond told House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, (R-VA).
“You. Are. Extraordinary,” responded Cantor.
“And you’re avoiding the issue,” Hammond stated. “The real issue here is how seniors are…”
“Astonishing? Remarkable? A national treasure?” Cantor interrupted. “C’mon, tell me what you need.”
“No that’s not, um, well… ‘national treasure’ is good.”
“How about, ‘You’re not elderly. You’re elderlicious!’” Cantor offered.
“Oh God now I’m blushing,” said Hammond.
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