SPARTA, N.J. (SatireWire.com) — The frequent snowstorms that have shut down much of the Eastern U.S. this winter are not the result of climate change or coincidence, but were specifically sent to cancel the Sparta, N.J., Community Center’s weekly “Hip-Hop-Til-U-Drop” dance class for seniors, God admitted today.
The Almighty apologized for the inconvenience to roughly 100 million Americans, but explained that if you had to watch one of these classes, you’d understand where He was coming from.
“First of all, it’s not even dancing. It’s just a hip-fracture waiting to happen,” He said. “It’s a dozen elderly white women in sweatsuits – no thank you — lurching about to Lil Wayne and Biggie and Common. Do I even need to explain why that should never happen?
“I’m sorry about all the mess, but if you were Me you would do everything in your power to keep them from meeting, too,” He added. “I swear if you saw it even once, you’d be like, ‘Why has God forsaken me?!’”
The Lord conceded He may have made the storms larger than absolutely necessary, but explained that He didn’t want to take any chances.
“Technically, I didn’t have to make the snow stretch from Georgia to Maine. It’s just that… look, I’m not against exercise. I’m not against old people. But they were thuggin’ to Tha Streets Iz a Mutha. That’s… no way. Just… no way.”
God said His efforts so far have cancelled six of the eight weeknight classes, and warned that He will keep sending snow if dance instructor Tyesha Bould tries to offer makeup lessons.
“Seriously Tyesha, I’m sorry you didn’t make it on Broadway. I’m sorry you tore a calf muscle right before that audition for Rent,” He said. “But this is no way to get back at Me.”
Even if the hip-hop class doesn’t meet again, the Lord said He sees problems ahead for Sparta, and perhaps much of the U.S.
“Tyesha is thinking about a series of elder-disco classes next fall. Disco!” said God, dumbfounded. “I hope you guys are set up for hurricanes.”
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