WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Giddy after successfully shutting down government over a 2010 health care law they dislike, Republicans today said the White House must also now agree to repeal the 1964 Civil Rights Act, the National Banking Act of 1863, and the Northwest Ordinance of 1787.
If President Obama consents to the new terms, House Speaker John Boehner, (R-OH), said his caucus will likely vote to again fund the government, unless the President also refuses to renegotiate the Treaty of Ghent, which ended the War of 1812.
“People blame us for the shutdown, but the President has to meet us halfway,” said Boehner. “And by halfway we mean repeal Obamacare, then overturn the Civil Rights Act, then, um, tear up the Treaty of Ghent because that was a disaster. We should have gotten Ontario.”
“Also, we want the Second Amendment to be moved up one, so it’s the First Amendment,” noted Rep. Louie Gohmert, (R-TX).
“I would like to shut down the government if I have a cold,” added Rep. Tom Graves, (R-GA).
White House spokesman Jay Carney said the President will not give in to the GOP, whose refusal to pass a spending bill led to Tuesday’s shutdown. Carney insisted Obamacare is just an excuse to fulfill the Tea Party’s long-term goal of closing the federal government. At a press conference Wednesday, Republican leaders denied the charges.
“Just because we’ve threatened to shut down the government before over different issues doesn’t mean these aren’t important,” said Sen. Rand Paul, (R-KY). “What about the Civil Rights Act, which outlawed discrimination and led to Barack Obama being President? That was bad. What about the National Banking Act of 1863, which created the federal banking system and has the word “federal” in it? Horrible. And the Northwest Ordinance gave us places like Michigan and Ohio, which in the last election voted for Barack Obama. Do I need to explain that to anyone?”
“I wasn’t asking you,” Rand added to Rep. Michelle Bachmann, (R-MN), who had raised her hand.
If the White House still won’t budge, Iowa Republican Rep. Steve King said the President will have no one to blame but himself.
“People say we’re holding a gun to the President’s head and have taken the American people hostage, but that’s just not true,” said King. “We’re holding a gun to the President’s head and saying he’s taken the American people hostage. All he has to do to end the ordeal is give in.
“If you think about it, he’s just like a rape victim,” King noted. “He brought it on himself.”
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