LONDON (SatireWire.com) – In the first interview since her engagement to Prince William, presumptive Queen Consort Kate Middleton said today she looks forward to becoming a full-fledged member of the British royal family by going insane.
“I know what the people expect of a royal,” the 28-year-old Kate told BBC News. “I’m happy and stable now, but I plan on being dysfunctional and psychotic and possibly even sleeping with the Horse Guard before the wedding next summer.”
“She’ll be one of us,” William added.
To that end, the future Princess of Wales said she was grateful that family assistance was close at hand. “I’ve got my new brother-in-law Harry, who dresses like a Nazi,” she said. “I’ve got my father-in-law, Prince Charles, who collects toilet seats and wants to be a tampon. And Prince Philip and Princess Michael have been teaching me how to make random racist comments and then laugh eerily about it.”
Although the wedding announcement came this week, the two were engaged in October while on holiday. Sitting side by side, Kate and William recalled the moment fondly.
“It was quite romantic,” she said. “We were in Africa, and he pulled out this gigantic ring and said, ‘Kate, marry me and I’ll make you the craziest woman in the world.’”
“She didn’t answer right away,” William interjected, “And I remember thinking, ‘Oh God, is she up for it? Will she say yes? Will she say no? Will she stuff the ring up her nose and play ‘Jerusalem’ on her armpits for an hour?’”
Fortunately, William said, Kate stuffed the ring up her nose and played ‘Jerusalem’ on her armpits for an hour.
“It was magical. I immediately called Gran (Queen Elizabeth) to tell her, but she was taking a bubble bath with the Corgis.”
Kate’s response in Africa was spontaneous, but she admitted she knew the day was coming. “Of course I’d already been preparing to join the family, learning offensive words for Pakistanis, making erotic mobile calls to the gardeners, and getting my slippers to have an argument. That last one is my own.”
Although part of the House of Windsor, Kate said it was important that she “be her own nutter,” explaining: “I want to take my time, maybe study what some of my new ancestors did. I mean, Henry VIII beheaded his wives. The first Elizabeth apparently slept with a horse…”
“Never proven,” William interrupted.
“Yes, but look at (Charles’ wife) Camilla. Your family is obviously attracted to them.”
Now matter what path to bedlam she takes, however, Palace observers say Kate will have to contend with the elephant in the rubber room: Princess Diana. Will Kate, in other words, be a reincarnation of “The People’s Psychotic Princess”?
“I don’t think anyone is trying to make Kate fill Diana’s straight jacket,” said Daily Mail reporter Jonathan Risley. “Diana was bulimic and suicidal and had Charles. As for Kate, it’s too soon. I don’t think she knows what kind of crazy she’s going to be, but most important, I don’t think we in media know what kind of crazy we’re going to make her out to be.”
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