NASHVILLE (SatireWire.com) — With the world in a near-panic, fake pharmaceutical companies and Internet ‘medical experts’ are racing to be the first to market with a passably credible ‘Ebola vaccine’ that could be worth millions of dollars and save, in a literal sense, countless lives.
“The fake-Ebola-vaccine market is wide open right now,” said Nacir Vendrom who, posing as ‘MegaHealthy Labs,’ pedals phony testosterone pills online. “Everybody knows there isn’t a cure and everyone is just waiting for something, anything, to come out. They’re waiting to get that email that tells them the world’s first clinically proven Ebola vaccine can be theirs for just $39.99 plus shipping and handling.”
According to Vendrom and others, several promising fraudulent Ebola vaccine candidates are currently in various stages of development. Included among them are Ebolaway, a sugar-coated pill made of Ibuprofen, coffee grounds and olive oil created by two guys named Lenny and DeSean in Lenny’s Piscataway, N.J. garage; and Ebopede, which are relabeled bottles of cough suppressant that will soon be sold via email by a husband-and-wife in Seattle who will claim it is the same drug secretly given to U.S. military personnel.
The key to beating the competition, according to Vendrom, is to seem viable without going over the top.
“You can call something No-bola or Ebola-begone, but that’s only going to appeal to a certain segment of the market, people without much of an education who maybe don’t have much money to spend,” he said. “But if you give it some complicated scientific name, I’m thinking Thromval-7 or Z-Trexiquon, then it appeals to a more educated, thoughtful, yet still gullible market. Canadians, mostly.”
Some of the larger fake drug companies from China and Eastern Europe, with their massive email lists, may have a big marketing advantage in the race. But in suburban Nashville, 32-year-old Jeremy Trowburt said he believes the little guy can be more nimble.
“If you think of smallpox, that wasn’t cured by some big pharma conglomerate, it was cured by one guy named Bruce Jenner,” said Trowburt, apparently referring to 18th Century English physician Edward Jenner. “Well, some of these fake online medicine outfits have, like, three or four people. And maybe some cousins. That slows you down. Me, I don’t even have to think. I can just react.”
To that end, Trowburt said he’s all but abandoned his eBay business selling fake Confederate swords to focus on his potential Ebola cure: Trevamax.
“These are actually just some cat treats I had in a bag in my pantry,” said Trowburt of the ‘medicine’ he named after his cat Trevor. “But since humans don’t usually eat cat treats, I figured I could market these as chewable Ebola pills. I could sell them for $20 a treat on the Internet.”
Currently, however, Trowburt conceded he’s still in the testing phase.
“I’m trying to decide if these look better dyed blue or red, and if I should call them, ‘The Only Ebola Cure Approved by an International Panel of Medical Disease Experts, ‘ or ‘The Ebola Cure that the U.S. Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About,” he said.
© 2014 SatireWire.com
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