ISLAMABAD (SatireWire.com) — DNA testing proves “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that the man killed by U.S. forces at a Pakistani compound late Sunday was, in fact, the world’s biggest shithead, the White House confirmed today.
Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, who was gunned down in the raid, had long been suspected of being a shithead, but officials said they had rarely gotten close enough to be sure.
“We were fairly certain that we had bin Laden because upon entering the compound, our operatives radioed that they could see several shitheads, including one really big shithead,” said one official.
After killing bin Laden, operatives took him aboard a helicopter, where they conducted the tests.
“A shithead has a unique DNA signature, and we were able to match bin Laden’s DNA to other known shitheads,” said White House counterterrorism adviser John Brennan. “No test is absolute, but I can state with 99.9% certainty that he was a massive shithead. Seriously huge.”
No further tests on the body can be done as it has been buried at sea, but sharks in the area report eating something that tasted like shit.
Administration officials are now weighing the merit and appropriateness of releasing a photo of bin Laden. “Right now we are divided,” said Brennan. “We could release an image to satisfy the skeptics, but then again, who wants to look at a photo of shit?”
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