Wait List Said “Massive” For All Internet Surf And Browser Club
ON THE INTERNET (SatireWire.com) – That’s it. The vote is over. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re in.
Early this morning, the Internet’s estimated 400 million users voted to cap access at 400 million, instantly creating the most coveted private club in the world. All current Internet users are now members of the exclusive “All Internet Surf and Browser Club.” Everyone else will just have to put their name on the waiting list, said the newly-elected chairman, 21-year-old Gonzaga University senior Marc Hall.
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The vote took many by surprise, principally because Hall and roommate Rob Bates – now chairman of the club’s powerful Membership Committee – didn’t conceive of it until two days ago.
“Rob and I have been on the ‘Net since eighth grade, and the other day we were both saying it didn’t feel as special and exclusive as it used to,” said Hall. “Then it hit us: Let’s make it a private club.”
But why cap membership now, when only 6.5 percent of Earth’s population is online?
“Because there are too many people on the Internet already, and a lot of these new ones, they barely know how to use it,” said Hall, in reference to AOL’s 25 million members. “As early adopters, we find that really annoying.”
And because future adopters will likely continue to “dumb down” the online population, Bates said the AISBC will be exceedingly difficult to join. Spaces can only open up due to the resignation or death of a current member, and potential candidates must pass a written test to prove they are “Internet material.” If accepted, they’ll also have to pay “massively jacked initiation fees,” which they’ll do, Bates insisted, “because as of now, only the Earth’s 400 million coolest people get to be on the Internet.”
That opinion would appear to be pervasive, as Internet users voted unanimously for the formation of the All Internet Surf and Browser Club. However, since the announcement, online message boards and offline media outlets have been bombarded by people who claim they did not vote to join or form the AISBC. In response, Hall noted he posted information about the election last night on his Web site, www.marchallswebsite.org; a site that, Hall pointed out, is accessible to every Internet user, “except maybe China. We don’t really know what they’re allowed to see.”
In that message, Hall wrote: “Everyone who DOESN’T want to make the Internet an exclusive club called the All Internet Surf and Browser Club – a club that would keep the Internet cool by basically keeping anyone not now online from ever getting on – please email me by midnight tonight.”
Of the world’s 400 million Internet users, “guess how many sent in a no vote?” said Hall. “Not one. I’d call that unanimous.”
Bates added that in the same election, he was voted the “absolute coolest human on the planet.” Limp Bizkit, meanwhile, was voted “band of the millennium.”
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