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NEW HAVEN, CONN. (SatireWire.com) – Do you remember a time when Napster was going to change the world, and the Microsoft trial was almost entertaining? Remember when Priceline was a $90 stock? Or even a $10 stock? How about $2? We didn’t either, but after extensive research, SatireWire is proud to bring you the Internet Year that Was, a blatantly revisionist reminiscence that promises to be really painful if you’re still holding Fogdog.com.
JANUARY
¤ The H.M.S. Nasdaq begins the new year where it left off the old, steaming to new records, fueled by can’t-miss powerhouses like Fogdog.com, which jumps 33 percent after a J.P. Morgan Securities analyst actually rates the company a strong buy.
No, really.
¤ Online retailer Outpost.com, which last year ran controversial TV commercials showing gerbils being fired from a cannon, claims it never used actual gerbils. Instead, Outpost executives say, the company dressed week-old kittens in gerbil costumes. The company adds that its current marketing campaign, which features Outpost executives burning tropical rain forests, also does not use actual gerbils.
¤ In response to AOL’s proposed buyout of Time Warner and Ted Turner’s Turner Broadcasting, Yahoo announces it will acquire actress Jane Fonda. AOL labels the acquisition “sloppy seconds.”
¤ Building on its self-professed desire to become the “AOL of Latin America,” StarMedia CEO Fernando Espuelas says the company will enter a two-year period during which dial-up subscribers will be unable to connect to the service most of the time.
¤ Speaking before a group of investment bankers, Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina announces that unlike the chief executives at competitors Compaq, Dell, Gateway, and Sun Microsystems, she is the only one capable of doing a “herkie.”
¤ As the Microsoft anti-trust trial rages on and the company faces the prospect of a government-imposed breakup, numerous ancillary lawsuits, and potential revenue setbacks, founder Bill Gates selflessly hands over the CEO title to company President Steve Ballmer.
FEBRUARY
¤ The H.M.S. Nasdaq sets a record high at 4,244, prompting Larry Rice, chief investment officer at Josephthal & Co, to actually tell CNET: “Tech, tech, tech. These companies will continue to gain because they won’t be affected by” rising interest rates.
¤ Online advertising network DoubleClick, under fire from the New York state attorney general for its plan to personally identify Web surfers and their habits through its software, denies it ever implemented the scheme and offers to make amends by paying for online subscriptions to “any of the numerous porn sites” the attorney general frequents daily between 11:35 a.m. and 2 p.m. from his Dell XPS D300 office computer running Windows 98 and Netscape Communicator 4.6.
¤ Contradicting the testimony of other Internet firms, Indonesia’s top English-speaking adult site, TurnInToYourOwnDesire.com, tells a Senate panel it is having “no trouble” registering new and valuable .com domains, citing five recent registrations as proof that the need for additional top-level domains is exaggerated:
· FreeHeatedSex.com
· YouAreToBeWantingMeBadAreYouNot.com
· APrizeOfMyWetness.com
· ComeAtMePresently.com
· LowValueSex.com
¤ Under pressure to do something about car accidents involving cell phones, the industry-backed Cell Phone Safety Council launches a public service campaign urging users to “scream like hell” before impact, thereby alerting callers on the other end that there is some kind of trouble.
¤ Nearly 92 percent of respondents to an online survey say they have been on the Internet at least once, while 6 percent says they have never been online but hope to do so within the next six months. The remaining 2 percent in the survey, conducted by ZDNet at its Web site, say they have never been online, and have no intention of doing so.
MARCH
¤ In response to AMD’s new 1 gigahertz (1,000 megahertz) chip, Intel says it has developed a 1,001 MHz chip, but AMD downplays the announcement, saying its 1,000 MHz chip really runs at 1,002 MHz. Intel releases a statement claiming there was a typo in its previous announcement, and that the 1,001 MHz chip really runs at 1,003 MHz.
¤ Internet stock watchers get an eerie sense of foreboding when the IPO for http://www.members.aol.com/mypages/madonnafan.htm gains only 92 percent in its first day of trading. A rogue iceberg is sighted on Wall Street.
¤ A spokesman at AMD says the company will not comment about Intel’s latest claim, explaining executives are too busy boxing up AMD’s new 1,004 MHz chips to come to the phone.
¤ ING Barings analyst Tim Fogarty actually issues a “buy” rating on Priceline stock, which soars above $90.
¤ In an effort to streamline corporate communications and eliminate redundancy, Sun Microsystems issues what it calls its “official and final” statement on the company’s relationship with rival Microsoft: “Microsoft sucks.”.
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