MADISON, WI. (SatireWire.com) — In a move to “keep his enemies close” while also attracting independent voters, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Severely Conservative Mitt Romney today announced he will choose arch nemesis Moderate Mitt Romney as his running mate.
“You know they say, ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,’ and certainly I have had no greater enemy in this campaign than former Gov. Moderate Mitt Romney,” said former Gov. Severely Conservative Mitt Romney. “Obviously we won’t always agree, but a strong leader should not be afraid to hear different opinions, even from himself.”
While it’s unusual for a candidate to name a running mate so far in advance, analysts called it a classic, and brilliant, political maneuver.
“The opponent that’s kept him from winning the nomination isn’t Rick Santorum or Newt Gingrich, it’s Gov. Moderate Mitt Romney,” said Republican strategist Karl Rove. “The guy just won’t go away, no matter what, so why not bring him on board?”
Rove pointed out that conservative Ronald Reagan picked adversary and moderate George H.W. Bush as Vice President, while liberal Barack Obama appointed primary foe and relative moderate Hilary Clinton as Secretary of State.
“Putting a conservative and a moderate on the same ticket gives the Republicans a chance to broaden their base, and naming your biggest detractor as vice president effectively gets him out of the public eye,” Rove explained. “Forever.”
Democrats immediately pounced on the announcement, saying it highlights Gov. Severely Conservative Romney’s flip-flops. But GOP pollster Henrik Laarson disagrees, arguing it will help the nominee’s standing among Tea Partiers and social conservatives who worried about the candidate’s moderate past.
“By acknowledging that Gov. Moderate Romney exists separately, Gov. Severely Conservative Romney can no longer be called a flip-flopper,” Laarson said. “Instead, they are two people. Gov. Moderate Romney is a flip, and Gov. Severely Conservative Romney is a flop. That is now indisputable.”
Despite the seemingly astute scheme, federal election officials say the presumptive Republican ticket may hit a snag. To qualify for the presidency, a candidate must be at least 35 years old. While Moderate Romney is 65, Gov. Severely Conservative Romney was brought into this world in 2007, in the run-up to the 2008 presidential race.
“As far as we can tell, Gov. Severely Conservative Romney is only five years old,” said Republican FEC member Caroline C. Hunter. “However, combined they are 70. Since we’re dividing him in two, we’re going to argue that each is 35.”
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