WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The congressional cloakroom, where representatives and senators traditionally check their hats and coats, will also now accept congressmen’s balls.
The move, Republican legislators said, was both pragmatic and good for the party.
“Having our coats on gets in the way when we’re at work, and so, it turns out, does having any balls,” said Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-FL). “When President Trump says or does something undemocratic, unconstitutional or morally offensive, I, having no balls, will now not feel compelled to speak out against it.”
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) agreed.
“I find it very freeing,” Paul said. “Like Russian election influence. If I were on the Senate floor, and in possession of my balls, I would say that we should look into it. I would say it’s deeply troubling and no matter which party you represent, the security of America should come first. But without balls, I simply say what I, in fact, did say, which was: ‘I just don’t think it’s useful to be doing investigation after investigation, particularly of your own party.’
“It would take balls to say anything else, and mine are… number 198,” Paul added, holding up a paper chit with a number on it.
Dogmatic orchiectomy – the condition of not having the balls to stand up for your convictions – is a longstanding tradition on Capitol Hill, as legislators from both sides of the aisle have chosen to abandon testicular fortitude when working with a president of their own party. Under FDR, Democrats ignored Jewish immigrants before World War II, and under Bill Clinton, they looked the other way on his infidelities. Republicans under Ronald Reagan pretended Iran-Contra wasn’t important, and under George W. Bush refused to speak out against a war begun under false pretenses.
The condition is normally temporary, but this year is unprecedented. Almost all 264 male Republicans in Congress have decided to check their balls every day, said cloakroom steward Anderson Huth. The only exceptions, he said, are senators John McCain (R-AZ) and Sen. Ben Sasse (R-NE), who only check them occasionally, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who never had any, and House Speaker Paul Ryan, whose balls now hang on a gold chain around the neck of Trump advisor Steve Bannon.
To accommodate the 260 sets of testicles, Huth said the cloakroom had to be expanded, an expense to be paid for by charging $1 per testicle per day.
“You would think Congress would make the American people pay for it by slipping the construction charge into an appropriations bill but, ironically, they now don’t have the balls to do that,” Huth said.
At a Republican caucus over the weekend, Speaker Ryan told his colleagues that when Congress reconvenes this week, they all need to be prepared to not speak out.
“When the doors open on Tuesday, let’s all be ready to take off our hats and our coats and our balls and get to work for… ha, I was going to say, ‘for the American people,’ but it would take balls for me to say that, and mine are unavailable,” he said.
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