WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – History was made Friday as Rep. Alice Healy of Wisconsin became the first openly bipartisan member of Congress.
Healy, 52, instantly becomes an iconic figure whose very presence on Capitol Hill could serve as an inspiration to the nation’s LCBT community (Levelheaded, Cooperative, Bipartisan, and Transparty), which has been forced into the shadows in an increasingly rigid and politicized society.
But her place in the 113th Congress is not without controversy. Several Republican House members called Healy’s penchant for going both ways, “disgusting and unnatural,” although they later admitted they’d “kind of like to watch.”
“If God had wanted us to be bipartisan, he would have given us the ability to compromise!” thundered Rep. Truman Sharp, R-SC. “In my opinion, this woman poses a serious threat to the way this body operates, and anyone in the other party who disagrees with me actually agrees with me since their disagreement shows that we cannot and should not agree on anything.”
Added Rep. Scott Thurow, R-Texas: “I was sent here to do a job, and that job specifically calls for me not to be working with anyone else who doesn’t think like me. Fortunately, we don’t allow any of them bipartisans in Texas, so I’ve never had to worry about it before.”
Healy, however, wasted no time defending herself in a brief speech during the inaugural session.
“I don’t like labels and I don’t think of myself as a bipartisan Congresswoman,” said the Milwaukee-based Democrat. “I think of myself as a Congresswoman who happens to be bipartisan.”
Healy went on to explain that she looked forward to working with colleagues on both sides of the aisle, promising to “listen, reason, and seek common ground.”
In response, several Republican representatives covered their ears or yelled out random Bible verses.
As the session came to a close, Rep. Michelle Bachmann, R-MN, introduced a bill in committee requiring Healy to be placed in a special mental health facility where she could be, “cured of her alternative political lifestyle.” Not surprisingly, the vote split along party lines, “as God intended,” Bachmann noted.
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