The Captains of Industry Describe Their Fortune 500 Fantasies
New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – We asked a dozen Fortune 500 CEOs to describe their dream dates with one (or more?) of their Fortune 500 colleagues.
| CEO: Carleton (Carly) Fiorina |
| Hewlett-Packard (19) |
 I’m on Temptation Island, and I’m supposed to be with Gerald Levin (AOL Time Warner), but Chuck Schwab (Schwab Corp.) is there too, and he keeps sending me emails with these funny pictures of him with that Pets.com sock puppet, and after a while I’m like, “All right, all right. I’ll have one drink with you.” And we… well, I don’t see Gerald after that. |
| CEO: David Komansky |
| Merrill Lynch (25) |
 Sumner Redstone (Viacom) and I go skinny-dipping, and Fred Smith (FedEx) steals our clothes! |
| CEO: David J. Lesar |
| Halliburton (148) |
 I get set up on this blind date by my predecessor Dick Cheney and it turns out my date is George W. Bush (United States of America), and George and I spend the entire night ripping up pages and pages of EPA regulations and laughing and laughing and we fall asleep in each other’s arms. Wait, does it still qualify as a dream date if it really happened? |
| CEO: Paul Allaire |
| Company: Xerox (109) |
 I’m with Jack Welch (GE), and we’re in this dingy motel room and it’s late at night, and he hands me this enormous check and I say, “Honestly Jack, this is too much for GE to pay for Xerox,” and he says “It’s not from GE, and it’s not for Xerox.” |
| CEO: Lawrence J. Ellison |
| Oracle (184) |
 It’s a blind date, and I wait and wait and wait for my date to show up, and eventually I realize that, hey, I am my date. It’s a perfect evening. |
| CEO: Warren Buffett |
| Berkshire Hathaway (40) |
 I’m too damn old for dates, but I could see where perhaps I’d have a meeting with that young guy, Michael Dell (Dell Computer), who’d be blindfolded, and I’d say “Michael, are you very religious?” and he’d say “Yes” and I’d say, “Consider me God.” |
| CEO: Richard Wagoner Jr. |
| General Motors (Fortune 500 Rank: 3) |
 In my dream date, Jack Greenberg (CEO: McDonald’s) treats me to a Happy Meal and a shake at one of his drive-thrus, then we head up onto the highway for a while and all the truckers blow their horns at us because we’re wearing Ronald McDonald suits without any pants !! |
| CEO: August A. Busch III |
| Anheuser-Busch (159) |
 Can it be a dream encounter instead of a date? Okay, so I’m at a party and I bump into Fred Poses (American Standard) in the bathroom, and it turns out he’s holding a Budweiser, and I’m taking a leak in one of his urinals !! We announce our engagement right there. |
| CEO: Steve Ballmer |
| Microsoft (79) |
 I’m at this little Italian restaurant with Steve Jobs (Apple) and he hands me this CD and I put it in my laptop and it’s the entire Mac OS X source code, and I say, “God that’s beautiful, I wish I’d written that,” and Jobs looks at me with his big dark eyes and says, “You will, Steve, you will.” |
| CEO: Robert Peterson |
| IBP (117) |
 I’m at this bar with John Tyson (Tyson Foods) and he wants me real bad you know real bad and he’s all like “Ooo baby, you lookin’ so fine” and I’m all like “Enjoy the view ’cause ain’t nothin’ else for you,” and he’s like “But baby baby baby we were meant for each other” and I’m like “Now where’d I hear that shit before?” and I slap him and leave him there and he’s all blubbering and crying and probably gonna shoot hisself in the head or somewheres.
*Editor’s Note: In March, Tyson Foods backed out of a $3.2 billion deal to acquire IBP Inc. IBP is now suing. |
| CEO: Sanford J. Weill |
| Citigroup (6) |
 Me, Carly Fiorina (Hewlett-Packard), and a quart of Ripple !! |
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