ALTERNATIVE SAN JUAN, APR (SatireWire.com) – White House officials today said President Trump’s claim that his handling of Hurricane Maria was a “tremendous success” was a reference to Alternative Puerto Rico, a land where 3,000 people didn’t die and no one is still homeless and 1.1 million people got immediate FEMA help.
“Look, people can criticize the President for his response to the disaster on Puerto Rico, but that viewpoint ignores the reality of an Alternative Puerto Rico where none of that bad stuff happened, and that’s what President Trump was referring to when he said his response was amazing,” said Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “And it was amazing. The President did an incredible job, and if you’d bother to go out and find some everyday Alternative Puerto Ricans, I bet you they would agree.”
Reporters immediately questioned the existence of Alternative Puerto Rico, but Huckabee Sanders was unswayed.
“As this White House has consistently said, for every fact there is an alternative fact,” she said. “There may be a Puerto Rico like the one you guys complain about, but that completely ignores the alternative fact that there may be an Alternative Puerto Rico, and on Alternative Puerto Rico, the President is loved and respected for the incredible job he did in safeguarding the lives of millions of Alternative Puerto Ricans.”
When Huckabee Sanders was asked where, exactly, Alternative Puerto Rico is located, a testy exchange ensued.
HUCKABEE SANDERS: It’s in the Caribbean. Learn to use a map.
REPORTER: On the map there is only ‘Puerto Rico.’
HUCKABEE SANDERS: When you look at it, but when President Trump looks at it, he sees what you obviously are incapable of seeing, and that is Alternative Puerto Rico.
REPORTER: But nearly 3,000 people died on Puerto Rico. How is that a success?
HUCKABEE SANDERS: Good Lord you’re thick. We’re talking about entirely different things. You’re talking about Puerto Rico. I’m talking about Alternative Puerto Rico, where the death toll is only 64, and FEMA responded swiftly, and unemployment is negative 200 percent. I can give you alternative real numbers, but I know the partisan media isn’t interested in alternative real numbers.
REPORTER: Because they’re not real!
HUCKABEE SANDERS: I assure you these numbers are entirely alternatively accurate.
REPORTER: Sarah, have you spoken to any Alternative Puerto Ricans yourself?
HUCKABEE SANDERS: No hablo Espanol Alternativo.
Democrats quickly criticized Trump for disregarding the tragedy, including Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, (D-NY), who called the President’s speech “offensive” and “blatantly false.” Huckabee Sanders, however, said those comments were hypocritical.
“I find it amusing that Senator Schumer has lashed out wildly at the President, especially when Alternative Chuck Schumer admires and respects the President and only has great things to say about him. Of course, the mainstream media never quotes him. Why is that?”
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