WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Republicans today accused President Obama of needlessly politicizing Osama bin Laden’s death by intentionally being the President at the time of Osama bin Laden’s death.
“The President is using the war on terror as a political tool,” said Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY). “He knows full well the American people will give him credit for killing bin Laden, and yet, despite the obvious political gain, he did it anyway.”
McConnell went on to insist the President was well aware that he was the President and even admitted as much during a late Sunday meeting during which Obama advised Republican leaders of the imminent mission.
“The President told us we were going to kill bin Laden and a hush fell over the room,” McConnell recalled. “We all just looked at each other in disbelief. Then I remember, very pointedly, saying, “But… but if we do it now, you’re the President,” to which the President responded, “I know.”
In the “spirit of bipartisanship,” Republicans then asked Obama if they too could authorize the killing, but were refused.
Obama himself has taken no personal credit for the attack, which Fox News said justifies its network’s coverage of the mission; specifically, that bin Laden died on May 1, 2007 — during the Bush presidency.
Meanwhile, Fox anchor Brit Hume called it a “very strange coincidence” that the President ordered bin Laden to be killed only a few days after the President released his official birth certificate. “The President announces to the world, ‘Hey I’m definitely the President’ just before he authorizes this?” said Hume. “Sounds to me like he wanted us to know he was President. Why else would he do it?”
Democrats defended the President, emphasizing that he achieved what President George Bush, in eight years, was unable to do. But Sen. Richard Shelby, (R-AL), said the previous administration’s failures were what led to the al Qaeda leader’s death.
“It’s like when you’re trying to unscrew the top off the new jelly jar,” Shelby explained. “We worked and worked on that thing for eight years, so when we passed it to Obama, it was probably already loose.”
At a midday press conference Monday, House Speaker John Boehner, (R-OH), summed up the GOP position.
“The truth is, party affiliation does not matter,” said Boehner. “I mean, let’s say a Republican were in charge. In that case, we’d be saying the Republicans killed Osama bin Laden. Let me just repeat that: the Republicans killed Osama bin Laden.”
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