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“Will this act of God save Brett Favre’s streak of starting 297 consecutive games?” — TIME “Brett Favre: is the Metrodome Collapse a blessing?” — Bleacher Report |
MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. (SatireWire.com) – Declaring He’s “about had it up to here,” a frustrated God said today the collapse of the Metrodome roof on Sunday was not a blessing in disguise for Brett Favre, but a rather obvious message, He thought, to the injured Vikings quarterback to quit.
“I keep hearing these questions, ‘Is it actually a blessing? Is it a sign God wants Favre to heal so he can keep playing?’” said the Almighty of the record-setting snowstorm he visited upon Minneapolis. “Seriously, what kind of interpretation is that?
“I collapsed the roof. I made the place unplayable. That’s a bad sign, right? B.A.D. Honestly, what are you people on?”
The 41-year-old Favre was injured last weekend, threatening his longevity record of 297 consecutive starts, which God called “about 50 starts too long.” It was believed the three-time MVP might not play against the New York Giants on Sunday, but due to the collapse, the NFL moved the game to Detroit on Monday. This did not sit well with the Lord, either.
“Look, I could have brought that (roof) down when Favre was on the field, but I didn’t because a lot of innocent people would have died,” He explained. “So to humanity I say: I did you a solid, you do me a solid. Get rid of him.”
The Vikings said they would repair the roof and hope to have it ready for next Sunday, which God labeled “just confounding.”
“The guy’s thrown more bad passes than Adam on his first date,” He said. ” Why would they fix it so he can play again? I’m giving them an excuse here.”
Particularly galling, said God, are Favre’s annual retirement and un-retirement announcements, during which the three-time MVP inevitably invokes His name.
“He says he prays about it, and that’s true,” God said. “But you want to know what those conversations are like? They’re like:
Him: Lord, I need to know if I should keep playing.
Me: No.
Him: Maybe you want me to go another year.
Me: No.
Him: I suppose I can play one more season.
Me: No.
Him: Probably you’re busy, but if you could give me a sign…
Me: What are you, deaf?”
“It’s like banging your head against a wall. Maybe I overdid the concussions.”
God compared Favre to Moses, who also had listening issues. “I treated him like Moses,” the Lord said. “I sent him to wander in the wilderness. I sent him to the New York Jets. But he still didn’t get it.”
God refused to say what His next move would be, but admitted He may give up trying. “In the last two years, the most popular prayer I hear is, ‘God Almighty, when is this (expletive) gonna quit?’” God said. “So I try to answer that prayer, and you geniuses figure I want him to keep playing.
“Look, it’s like this,” he said. ““Favre is 41. Jesus retired at 33. Who the hell does he think he is?”
UPDATE: Brett Favre’s streak ended Monday after he was declared inactive by the Minnesota Vikings. God immediately released a one-word written statement: “Sweet.”
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