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White House Campaign to Scare Crap Out of Everyone Hits Home

Washington, D.C. ( — While praising the Bush administration for its sudden willingness to share information on terror warnings, critics today suggested the White House had volunteered too much after Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told a Senate panel the danger was so great that he had soiled himself.

A nervous Whitman likes to eat
   Unlike Rumsfeld, EPA Administrator Christine Whitman (right) said she simply eats when she gets nervous. Whitman is shown here seconds after being introduced to, and devouring, this man's wife.

"Ladies and gentlemen, not only is the likelihood of terrorism absolute, not only will these people most certainly strike again, but I can tell you that right now, as I am sitting here, that knowledge has caused me to do something I haven't done since I was a toddler," Rumsfeld told a Senate Appropriations subcommittee.

"Make no mistake," he added, "things are that bad."

Rumsfeld refused to release details, for which senators thanked him.

The Secretary's comments were the latest in a series of ominous statements by the administration, which is countering charges it failed to warn the public of 9/11 terrorist threats by attempting to scare the shit out of the public now. However, senators on both sides of the aisle said openness has its limits.

"I have the greatest respect for Don Rumsfeld, and the greatest concern for the threat we all face, but the penultimate head of the armed forces cannot go around telling people he's no longer in control of his bowels," said Sen. Pete Domenici, R-NM.

But Bush administration officials disagreed.

"I'm glad one of us finally came out and said it," stated Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge. "It makes it easier for me to explain why I'm invisible. I'm scared, and I've convinced myself that I'm not really here."

However, senators on both sides of the aisle said invisibility has its limits.

"I have the greatest respect for Tom Ridge, and the greatest concern for the threat we all face, but the man in charge of our nation's security cannot simply disappear," said Sen. Pete Domenici, R-NM.

"Yes I can," said Ridge.

"Who said that?" replied Domenici.


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