Provider of Satire  
SatireWire |


History Tour T-Shirts and UmWear. V. Funny, V. Smart

Cool Estate Jewelry. Impress her for once.

Throw Your Best Party Yet.

It's not news, it's Drew's.

It's not Drew, it's Brian

Flag Hill Winery

The Angel Anthony Group
e-solutions for your business

"Propelled by strong winds from the north, the fires have created a plume of smoke from Michigan to Massachusetts that's visible as far south as Washington, D.C." — National Post, Canada, July 8, 2002


Canada Also Discloses It Has Invaded U.S. 113 Times, But No One Has Noticed

Ottawa ( — Embarrassed Canadian generals today conceded an overzealous officer defied orders and started fires in Quebec to shroud the eastern seaboard in smoke before Canada had finished preparing its full-scale invasion of the United States.

Canadian smokescreen descends
   Canadian smokescreen blinds eastern U.S. (Source: NOAA)

As a result, the classic war maneuver of blinding the enemy in advance of an attack — the smoke now blankets American skies as far south as Washington, D.C. — was wasted, said Canada's Defence Chief, Lt. Gen. Ray Henault.

"We were supposed to line up on the border, then start the fires," said a clearly disheartened Henault. "It's not like we can do it again. They'll know it's us. I had a cute little house in the Poconos all picked out, too."

However, several members of Canada's Parliament were furious, and demanded to know why, despite decades of secret planning, the invasion forces were not ready. In response, Deputy Prime Minister John Manley explained that the Canadian military was waiting for approval.

"Whenever we engage in a military operation, and certainly one of this magnitude, we look to our U.S. allies for guidance," said Manley.

"But... but we were going to invade the U.S.," said Toronto MP Tony Ianno.

"Oh, ah," said Manley.

With the botched invasion now public, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien scrambled to diffuse anger in Washington. Fortunately, his explanation to President Bush has so far succeeded in deflecting American ire. "He told me the smoke wasn't from Quebec," said Bush. "He said it was from al Quebec. Damn, those guys are everywhere."

Despite the lack of surprise, many Canadians have urged the military to push on, arguing that if they can't take the U.S. by force, they can at least sneak into Detroit and take back the Stanley Cup. Gen. Henault, however, urged restraint, noting that Canada has only 70,000 people in its armed forces, while the U.S. has 2 million. That revelation raised eyebrows among several MPs.

Buy SatireWire's new book!

"So, if we are short by about 1.9 million soldiers, how, exactly, were we going to pull this invasion off?" asked Ontario MP John Godfrey. "Were we just going to use smoke?"

"And mirrors," said Henault. "Lots and lots of mirrors."

"Well, like I said, the plan wasn't finished," he added.

Meanwhile, Stan Keyes, MP for Hamilton West, suggested Canadians use the ash cover to hide from Washington until relations return to normal. Godrey, however, argued such an effort was unnecessary. "We're in Canada," he said. "Most Americans can't find us now."


Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

Back to Top

UmThings: we sell, um, things


SatireWire is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. Please read our disclaimer. All contents Copyright © 1999-2003, SatireWire, LLC. All rights reserved.

Computer Reviews - Panic Attacks and Anxiety Disorders - Startup Ideas & Small Business Advice - Trade Suppliers Directory - Wholesale Forum - Wholesale Marketplace & Trade Suppliers - Wholesale Directory - Crazy Slots Casino