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"Survey Finds Rudeness Gets Worse." — AP, April 3, 2002

Majority of 2,000 Respondents Apparently Need to Seriously Get Laid or Something

New York, N.Y. ( — According to a troubling new poll, nearly 80 percent of U.S. residents claim rudeness has become a "serious national problem," a finding that proves conclusively that most Americans have turned into whiny little bastards.

Am I Rude or Not?
   Speaking loudly on a cell phone in public is annoying, say most Americans, (who need to get over it, for chrissake).

In the study, released Wednesday by the non-profit group Public Agenda, the majority of the 2,000 adults surveyed bitched and moaned about so many different "rude behaviors," like foul language and a lack of common courtesy, that it's almost fuckin' funny.

In particular, the so-called "Status Report on Rudeness in America" found that nearly 9 in 10 respondents came across rude, disrespectful people "sometimes" or "often," but failed to place the question under the category "Who cares?"

Also, unlike the old days, when if you were rude to some guy, he'd call you an asshole and you both went away happy, 42 percent of today's Americans actually believe the best thing to do when someone is rude is to walk away, while 36 percent say the solution is to be "especially polite" to the person.

Among other actual survey results:

¤ 62 percent of precious darling whined that rude, disrespectful behavior "bothers them a lot." Boo hoo.
¤ 69 percent of delicate flowers say respect and courtesy are "contagious," and these are probably the same people who wish Mary Poppins were real.
¤ Oh, and get this: 61 percent of sniveling babies say talking on cell phones in public places should be outlawed. Does the phrase, "From my cold, dead hands" mean anything to you?

Speaking to a reporter who had barged into her sad excuse for an office, Public Agenda spokeswoman Amanda Light, who seriously needs to see a dentist, said the survey was not meant to reveal Americans' thinning skin. Instead, she insisted, it was meant to show that rudeness is a serious problem that negatively impacts society.

Unfortunately, her helpful little "lecture" ended abruptly when she was shown a hand gesture that 87 percent of respondents would find "somewhat" or "very" offensive.


Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

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