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"Outrageous" Share Prices Due to Performance-Enhancing Drugs

BOSTON, MASS. ( — Equating it to the "tainted" success of East German swim teams, researchers today claimed performance-enhancing drugs, not "irrational exuberance," is behind the powerful rise in Internet stock prices.

Several unusually muscular and irritable Internet company executives immediately denied the allegations.

Husky E*Trade Employees

According to Dr. Emil Pasternok, chief of epidemiology at the Harvard School of Public Health, mass doping is the only way to explain the implausible value of Internet stocks. "You've got small, unremarkable, unprofitable companies suddenly worth hundreds of millions, or even billions, of dollars," said Pasternok. "How can that be? It's not 'irrational exuberance,' it's steroids."

Pasternok claimed the pattern of "extreme over-performance" is similar to that of East Germany's female swim teams, which despite the nation's small population continuously set world records during the 1970s and 1980s. The practice of doping proved unhealthy for the swimmers, and would be equally harmful to Internet company employees, said Pasternok's colleague, Ohio State University Medical Center endocrinologist Evelyn Wardlow.

"These drugs have been known to grow excess hair, thicken the limbs, make both men and women sterile, and can lead to violence and/or depression," said Wardlow.

"I'd like to rip that researcher's head off," replied Andrew Newington, vice president of investor relations at online ad firm DoubleClick.

"Our stock is valued highly because we are seen as an exciting, progressive company with excellent growth prospects," added the abnormally broad-shouldered Alice Chalmers, director of marketing at Instead of doping, Chalmers insisted the only "perk" employees get is a discount on merchandise. "I myself bought 10 boxes of brand new Gillette Trac II razors just this morning and saved a bundle," she said.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for auction site eBay said CEO Meg Whitman was "hittin' the weights" and unavailable for comment.


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