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"Saint Lucy, your beautiful name signifies light. By your intercession, obtain for me perfect vision for my bodily eyes and the grace to use them for God's greater glory. Saint Lucy, hear my prayers and obtain my petitions. Amen."
— prayer to St. Lucy, patron saint of the blind

SAINT ISIDORE, HEAR OUR INTERNET PRAYERS
How to Pray to the (Potential) Patron Saint of the Internet

Vatican City (SatireWire.com) — According to a report from the Vatican, Saint Isidore, a 7th Century cleric believed to have authored the first encyclopedia, may be named the patron saint of the Internet. As any Catholic or Soprano's fan knows, patron saints respond to specific prayers, pointing out that saint's qualifications, and asking for their specialized intercession.

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Saint Isidore, possible patron saint of the Internet, we beseech you to hear these our humble petitions:

Suffer the Adolescent
Virtuous St. Isidore, whose encyclopedia was rich in teachings and accessible to everyone, avail me of that spirit, and help guide me through the mystery that is contained in this stupid NetNanny program my parents installed so that I may be blessed with its password and frequent those sites where mine eyes may be filled with the glory and grace of the female form that is available on www.tonsofsexpics.com, to name but one. Make use, I implore you, of that particular privilege given to you, to bring visible and speedy help before Mom gets home. Amen.

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Suffer the DSL User
Learned St. Isidore, your encyclopedia translated works from many tongues and made them One and Whole. I call upon your gifts to assist those who sell DSL that they may serve the common good and include, in the self-install package, instructions that will, with your graceful intercession, actually cause the DSL to f***** work. Amen.

Suffer the Marketer
Most gracious and learned St. Isidore, who compiled, for the benefit of all, fresh and valuable information from many sources, intercede on behalf of your servant who has also compiled fresh and valuable information from many sources; in this case, 19 million top-quality email addresses. Help others to see that there is one method that has proven to succeed time-after-time, E - M A I L M A R K E T I N G ! and cause their eyes to be opened to the fact that if they are not using their computers to generate income, they are leaving money on the table. Amen.

mary

Suffer the DotCom
Beloved and Empathetic St. Isidore, whose works kept many from disappearing into the precipice of ignorance, I want to ask about my dotcom -- and before you interrupt, yes, I already prayed to St. Anthony the Wonder Worker and St. Rita, patroness of lost causes, and they were really rude, truth be told. I entreat you to grant my request and do something. I don't know what. I think that's part of the problem. Amen.

Suffer the Programmer
St. Isidore, whose work is so vast that we assume you must have pulled all-nighters to finish it, bestow upon me the midnight inspiration of an algorithm that will snap me out of this code block, and if, through your powerful intercession, that means pointing me to a site where I could maybe temporarily "borrow" an "idea," that's cool with me if it's cool with you. Amen.

Suffer Larry Ellison
St. Isidore, what can I do for you? I don't have all day.

Suffer the Spammed
Beloved St. Isidore, in your intellectual labors you separated the wheat from the chaff and protected the people from mindless vice and inanity. I beseech you to intervene on my behalf, and with your colleague St. Peregrine, patron of the sick, help those who continue to stuff my inbox with schemes and immorality to suffer boils and infection and all manner of deprivations as you in your wisdom should see fit and maybe something with Irritable Bowel Syndrome which I once had as St. Peregine well knows and it's no picnic. Amen.

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Suffer the DSL user redux
Pious St. Isidore, who built a bridge from ignorance to learning and helped people connect to a vast network of knowledge, I kneel before you humbly to apologize for earlier using the word f***** in your presence and inform that you the DSL is now correctly installed, thanks be to God and your goodwill. It still performeth like shit, though. Amen.

Suffer Bill Gates
St. Isidore, just ask Him how much, for everything, and get back to me.

Send your Internet prayers to St. Isidore to editors@satirewire.com and we'll post the "good" ones, like...

Check out the Reader Prayers to St. Isidore

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