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If I were Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson, I'd make a deal with Microsoft: Forget breaking up the company, Bill honey, just please break up this site! Pronto! Do we need this much on one lonnnng page? And someone inform Redmond that scrolling went out with the Mosaic browser. What's good: MSN gives you the option to change the site's content, layout, and colors. What's bad: you can't make the whole thing black.


The "Blue Screen of Death" is supposed to be a fatal Windows error, not the basis for site design. Oh yes, I realize that hideous, overbearing background is not really blue. It's more the drab bluish-gray (or sometimes just gray) of death row. What...ever. But remember, my wee Nappys, the Blue and the Gray fought a Civil War for a reason: They don't mix well.

Lycos and Excite

One always hears talk of how the Internet is threatened by competing standards, but please, Mssrs. Lycos and Excite, can we at least have competing designs? So who was the chicken and who was the egg? Does it matter? Let's throw a fox in each hen house and take out both at once. Ooo, and this is interesting. Did you know that 'Lycos' and 'Excite,' in Latin, mean , 'bland' and 'tedious'? What's that? Gee, you're right, they don't mean that. So what's their excuse?

Who would have thought that losing the rights to use that garish stoplight logo would have led to gaudier things? Please, Go-dot-com, just Go-dot-away, and take that beastly swirling logo with you. Who did it anyway, Dorothy Hamill? And what can I say about the site's colors? Black, frozen-putty-blue, bitter green and my-roots-are-showing blonde. No, I can't talk about these colors. I can throw up in these colors, but I can't talk about them.

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