DENIAL-OF-SERVICE: THE REAL VICTIMS
Emeryville, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — For the past two weeks, Denial-of-Service attacks have plagued major Internet sites such as Yahoo!, eBay, and E*Trade, bombarding their servers (computers) with billions of bits of information per second and making the sites all but inaccessible.
To date, media coverage has focused on the money lost and the damage to the Internet's precious "reputation," but it's the servers that took it on the chin. Who cares about their suffering? As the following interview reveals, no one does; not even those who are, theoretically, paid to care.
SatireWire feels compelled to warn you that the responses you are about to see -- from Mr. Tim Falk, chief server administrator at Yahoo! -- may be troublesome. We find that reading with a good friend helps.
Treat Warland, SatireWire Editor: So Tim, that was a pretty nasty attack. Must have been quite a shock.
Tim Falk: Oh we were pretty upset for a bit. I thought for a while I was going to lose it, but I took a deep breath and...."
SatireWire: Yes, that's very interesting, I'm sure. But I was speaking about the victims of the attack.
TF: The victim... we were the victims.
SatireWire: No, what about the servers?
TF: What about 'em?
SatireWire: How do you think it felt to get bombarded like that, to get confused like that? It had to hurt.
TF: I'm sorry, I don't understa...
SatireWire: Your servers, how did they take it? They must have been totally traumatized.
TF: I, uh, they were... traumatized? Did you say traumatized?
SatireWire: Counseling. Have they gotten any sort of counseling? You must be worried about PTSD, you know, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
TF: Look, we're talking about computers. You do realize that, right?
SatireWire: Is that all they are to you?
TF: Well yes, I mean, no... I mean... hey, I'm here all the time. I keep 'em running. I change their OS every few months...
SatireWire: What about that night? After the attacks. Did you stay with them?
TF: Well, no. They were running fine. I went, you know, home. To sleep.
SatireWire: What about the servers?
TF: They stayed at the office.
SatireWire: Alone? You left them alone?
SatireWire: What is it?
TF: You're weird.
SatireWire: Weird? I'm weird?! You're the guy who left these poor servers alone on what had to be the worst night of their lives!
TF: Look, they're machines, OK? If you've got some kind of weird fetish or...
SatireWire: Fetish? Fetish?!... (deep breath) (deep breath)... Look, Greg...
SatireWire: Whatever. Just tell me, what kind of servers do you have?
TF: We've got a mix of Dell PowerEdge and Enterprise servers.
SatireWire: And their names. I know you give them names. Everyone does, so you know which one does what.
TF: That's true. We call ours Minos, Midas, Theseus, and Dante.
SatireWire: Can I see them?
SatireWire: Oh just professional curiosity. Just, you know, I just wanna see 'em.
TF: I think... I think that's not such a good idea.
SatireWire: Why, Tim? What's wrong, Tiiimmm?
TF: Nothing, I just...
SatireWire: Afraid they'll tell me something you don't want me to hear? Or is it where you keep them, huh? Locked in a dark room, right? Does anyone ever sit with them? Spend time with them? Read to them? That's not much to ask...
TF: Look, I think you should leave.
SatireWire: Oh don't worry, I'm going...
TF: Hey, that's the wrong way, the exit's...
SatireWire: I know where I'm going! Minos! Midas! Theseus! Dante! I'm coming for you! Hold on!
SatireWire: Yes, that's right, they'll have security! And love and a compassion and...
Security Guard #1: Tony! Tony! Grab 'im. His arms! Pin his arms!
Security Guard #2: Ow! Jesus, he bites!
SatireWire: That's right! Bytes! B-Y-T-E-S! Bytes! ... ha ha ha ha... Minos! Dante! Fear not, I'll return for you...!
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